An expanding database of exemplary degeneracy.
Week 7: Girl Who Drugged Her Parents to Use the Internet
Hey, White Girl. Don’t be a Carlton. Drug your parents!
Man, parents just don’t understand.
And that’s why, sometimes, you know, you just have to drug them so you can use the internet. B’YAH!!!
Two teenage girls in Placer County, California, subverted the very concept of teenage rebellion by allegedly drugging one of the girl’s parents’ milkshakes with sleeping pills, just to stay in and dick around on the internet. Granted, they were probably logging on for Skype threesomes with 47 year old bus drivers from Oregon, finding a local Sacramento area orgy on Craig’s List, selling foot fetish pictures via a sub-Reddit, or purchasing copious amounts of guns with one of the unconscious parents’ credit cards.
You don’t drug Mom and Dad and break your completely sensible 10 PM internet curfew to Google wholesome topics like “”Youth Service Organization” & “Volunteer”", or “Preparing for your SATs through the Power of Prayer”. No, you pound 3 Red Bulls, stalk your Algebra II Teacher who is trying to fuck one or both of you’s Facebook page, find out both of your families owned slaves via Ancestry.com, then follow what you think is an official “Beliebers” Justin Bieber Fan Club Twitter account that instead hacks into your computer and delivers your personal information to an underground Romanian sex trafficking cartel.
And no night of drugging those responsible for conceiving you and raising you from helpless infant to seething sociopath would be complete without free-basing Cool Whip and hair gel using leftover paper Christmas plates with adorable reindeer on them, and visiting our fledgling web site with approximately zero redemptive social value. Our trusted source, a non-existent, yet wondrously multi-orgasmic street urchin in downtown Sac-Town, has confirmed that their IP address was logged onto Degenerate Nation at 12:27 AM Pacific time the night of the drugging. Free publicity, baby! How many web site views do you need to move out of your parents house at 30? Click. Click. Click.
How poorly constructed does your moral code have to be to let your friend drug your parents? It’s understandable to feel like you’re missing something by not being out on a weekend night, to experience the simultaneous growth and decay that your tumultuous adolescent years may provide. Keg parties, late night diners, cruising around your home town with a few shots worth of booze siphoned from your parents’ liquor cabinet and transferred into a Dasani bottle. There is intrinsic value in these teenage rituals. But what are you really missing by not using the internet for a few hours? Fucking LIFE.
Is this what we’ve become? A crumbling society, bookended by economy killing, perpetually divorced Baby Boomers on one end and entitled, maladjusted, emotionally malnourished young monsters on the other? Why do people have children? Why bring more vacant souls into a world that values the immediacy of its technological spoils over its fading humanity? Because it feels better without a condom (TRUTH) and… oops?! Because babies are cute? Because parenting can imbue us with a sense of purpose? Marching orders to remain a productive citizen, pay your taxes, manage your spawn until it too can spawn and perpetuate the tradition of spawning and spawning and spawning. The supposedly miraculous journey of sperm rocketing toward egg. The necessity of births outnumbering deaths. Don’t rent, buy! Procreate! BUILD. Toward.. what?
Babies become people. And people are assholes.
Honor Thy Father and Mother has devolved into Honor Thy Google and Apple.
Siri, what is love?
Siri, where is God?
Siri, find Heroin McFlurry!
http://www.sacbee.com/2013/01/
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Week 6: Benjamin Greene – Sex Doll Shoplifter
Week 5: Jeremy Owens - Rogue Tranny Terrorizes Walmart with Breast Implants
Week 4: Daniel Collins, Jr. – Fart Vigilante
Week 3: Charles Marshall – Teddy Bear Banger
Week 2: Jonathan Thompson – “Woody Wallace Can Suck My Dick”
Week 1: John Bednarik – “Breast Milk Happy Hour, Get Crunk!!!”
