Jonathan Thompson is a man of conviction. Burglary conviction. Soon-to-be Assault conviction. But most of all, artistic conviction. Most uneducated, scumbag perps would limit their outrage at their arresting officers to a contentious tweet, Facebook post, or slurred, profane rant after downing a 12-pack of Keystone Light on their mom’s front porch. But Jonathan Thompson is cut from hero cloth, trumpeting the anti-establishment vitriol of early Public Enemy, converting it to White Trash-a-nese, and carving it into flesh, the grand canvas of the impulsive proletariat.
WOODY WALLACE CAN SUCK MY DICK: a “Who Watches the Watchmen?” for backwater illiterates. What good is the law, or any system of governance, if there isn’t someone with Texas-sized balls out there to question it?
Jonathan Thompson is stepdad-punching proof that our embattled First Amendment is, in fact, alive and well, and you don’t need an intellectual curiosity above an amoebic level to execute your right to free speech. So celebrate it. Tattoo “YOLO” on your pecker. Supposedly-eviscerate your ex, while really just broadcasting your desperate weakness, in your thinly-veiled Facebook statuses. Actually, for serious, voice your belief in Ron Paul. 9/11 conspiracies. The Illuminati. Tweet death threats to a player and his family and/or ho stable when you lose your fantasy football matchup. Tell Woody Wallace to suck your dick!
Woody Wallace is the Trinity County, Texas constable and sheriff candidate who arrested Jonathan Thompson for his prior burglary, and the subsequent brawl with his step dad. And, as a reward for his strident execution on the job, Woody Wallace now has Carte blanche to suck Jonathan Thompson’s dick. Ain’t no lie, y’all. Under the jurisdiction of Woody Walker Texas Ranger Wallace, a hillbilly tattoo is a written mandate, notarized in blood. FREE DICK!
Who says our civil servants aren’t properly compensated? Who needs higher wages, pensions, or increasingly irrelevant labor unions, when there are recidivist redneck dicks willing to be sucked? And wouldn’t our collective trust in law enforcement increase if we were getting full-on rimmed along with every minor infraction we commit? A tongue to the starfish for the betterment of Society!
Jonathan Thompson isn’t just our Degenerate of the Week. He is Teddy Roosevelt for the Twitter generation. No speaking softly, no stick. Just tattooed, burglarizing, daddy-smacking excellence; straight Bull Moose rough ridin’ it through life, American as shit. And if y’all don’t like it, Suck It.