I have a confession, y’all. I tend to like breasts better in their distant, perfectly-framed, illusory stage, before their grand reveal to me as something human, and therefore flawed. I have seen enough asymmetrical titties and funky, incongruous nipple patterns in my day to overlook the critical contributions of push-up bras, bikini tops, dim lighting, and binge drinking to the Breast Power Movement.
The moment a breast is shaken loose from the strategic framework of its Victoria Secret Maximum Lift Bombshell bra, it begins to lose its bewitching power. No longer a hallowed object of fantasy, a distant horizon of hope, but a demystified, mortal mammary, an unsheathed breast must be recognized for its original scientific purpose. Motorboating.
No. Breast milk. Feeding subsequent generations of baby boys who will someday be tricked into taking undercover A-Cuppers out for sterile conversation and tapas by the future equivalent of the Maximum Lift Bombshell bra (no doubt a Holo-Bra that projects an additional 7 cup sizes in holographic form).
Despite the gravitational, biological pull of men to breasts, despite the often pathetic lengths we will go to examine, fondle, and suckle live boobies, there is generally a line we as men do not cross. A breast realm that only champion perverts dare attempt to sexualize. Breast-feeding: The Final Frontier.
And then along came trail-blazing turbo-perv John Bednarik, arrested for secretly filming a co-worker pump breast milk, and forever immortalized as our very first Degenerate of the Week.
Now I’ve had some dark, depressing arousal triggers in my day. But installing a spy cam in a lactating co-worker’s office and manufacturing a breast-pumping video just to discharge a brigade of little white soldiers is a mushroom slap in the face of motherhood.
And totes not sexy. I cannot, even in the most corrupt catacombs of my depraved mind, grasp the masturbatory appeal of a machine clutching, warping and pumping a breast in order to distribute milk to an infant. I’m pretty sure I’d rather see two grandfathers diddle each other in high def than watch a peep hole breast pump video. Come on, bro. This isn’t Japan.