Everybody poops. This is cold, scientific fact. It’s in the Constitution. But not everyone farts. Not exactly.
We don’t all unleash cacophonous, symphonic flatulence in our pants. We don’t all release silent, sinister Chernobyl farts, contaminating our immediate surroundings with noxious, toxic gas, oozing an invisible cloud of radioactive poison out of our treacherous assholes.
True fart artists and queef savants cannot be made, warped, nurtured. They are born. Cataclysmal weapons gestating in the womb, subverting amniotic fluid into a virulent chemical composition, targeting one’s intrinsic genetic structure and transforming vectorless fetuses into fart mutants destined to intermittently terrorize an always-unsuspecting population.
Daniel Collins, Jr. was among the magnanimous masses of unwilling fart-sniffers. After months, perhaps years, of ingesting his neighbor’s thick, venomous farts, the rancid icing atop a cake of aggregated noise complaints, Daniel Collins, Jr. rose to action. He became the world’s first fart vigilante.
Daniel Collins, Jr., 72, threatened to shoot his boisterous fat-mongering neighbor. ”I’m going to put a hole in your head,” he allegedly exclaimed, a rallying cry for Le Resistance de Flatulence. And with this bold threat to deliver fart justice by gunfire, Daniel Collins, Jr. is forever canonized as our Degenerate of the Week.
One may wonder why the fart, and not the multitude of previous, non-flatulatory, noise complaint-inducing offenses, finally triggered Daniel Collins, Jr.’s astonishing rebirth as an indomitable senior citizen superhero. How parallel is his origin story to that of Batman? Was Daniel Collins, Jr.’s father murdered by a notorious fart wizard, a gaseous, ghastly goblin? The world may never know.
Make no mistake, though. Daniel Collins, Jr. is not alone. Wherever there is a malignant malcontent plotting to uncork his Nagasaki fart on the world, there is also a hero, a shadowy specter of unfathomable righteousness, waiting in the darkness to plunge deep into the butthole of the dangerous and the damned. To snuff out certain fart holocaust.
These courageous men and women should be armed to the teeth, an intrepid army assembled to fight against the abhorrent, odoriferous forces of evil – farters, queefers and sharters. Environmental assassins, hell-bent on tainting our atmosphere with their malignant musk. Every waking, stinking moment they seek to suffocate us, to bleed every molecule of oxygen out of the Earth, until every last normal-boweled man, woman and child dies with their open mouth full of fart.
Do not let the fart propagandists, the queef Illuminati, undermine the will of the majority. Do not stand idle and watch our world become eradicated by volcanic buttholes. FREE DANIEL COLLINS, JR! Stand arm in arm behind your degenerate savior, silver revolver locked and loaded, and sing with us: ”We Shall Overcome”…