Degenerate Nation

 In eager anticipation of the 2009 football season, my 13-year-old Cousin Danny and I conducted Degenerate Nation’s 1st annual Mock Fantasy Football Draft.

We created 12 team names, following the standard fantasy football tradition of being as crude, immature, and blissfully inhumane as possible.  After naming the teams, we wrote them down on slips of paper and drew them out of a three-corner hat, for draft position, which follows here: 

Draft Order:

1. Transsexual Sheep
2. Droopy Dick Blues
3. Saggy Left Nut
4. Dystopian Perverts
5. Black Market Babies
6. Cleft Pallet Blowjobs
7. Masturbation Station
8. Constipated Dinosaurs
9. Fat Chick Orgasm!
10. Dingleberry Jello
11. One-Legged Whore
12. Horny Midgets

Later, I will unveil all 15 rounds, in their entirety.  But first, here is a breakdown of the full rosters that resulted, beginning with the team selecting #1 overall, “Transsexual Sheep”.  They are presented in chart form, 4 at a time, because I fail at the internet. 

 Team Rosters:

Those are the 12 hypothetical fantasy rosters for 2009.  Bench players were re-sorted by position when possible, not draft ranking.

And now, all 15 rounds of our Mock Draft, in its entirety:

  DRAFT RESULTS:

Round 1 (Overall pick in parentheses):

1. Adrian Peterson (1)
2. Michael Turner (2)
3. Maurice Jones-Drew (3)
4. Matt Forte (4)
5. Chris Johnson (5)
6. LT (6)
7. DeAngelo Williams (7)
8. Larry Fitzgerald (8)
9. Steven Jackson (9)
10. Andre Johnson (10)
11. Drew Brees (11)
12.  Frank Gore (12)

Round 2:

1. Steve Slaton (13)
2.  Calvin Johnson (14)
3. Tom Brady (15)
4. Randy Moss (16)
5. Clinton Portis (17)
6. Marion Barber (18)
7. Brandon Jacobs (19)
8. Peyton Manning (20)
9. Brian Westbrook (21)
10. Steve Smith (CAR) (22)
11. Reggie Wayne (23)
12. Anquan Boldin (24)

Round 3:

1. Kevin Smith (25)
2. Thomas Jones (26)
3. Ronnie Brown (27)
4. Greg Jennings (28)
5. Roddy White (29)
6. Terrell Owens (30)
7. Kurt Warner (31)
8. Dwayne Bowe (32)
9. Pierre Thomas (33)
10. Marshawn Lynch (34)
11. Marquis Colston (35)
12. Brandon Marshall (36)

Round 4:

1. T.J. Houshmandzadeh (37)
2. Ryan Grant (38)
3. Joseph Addai (39)
4. Phillip Rivers (40)
5. Darren McFadden (41)
6. Wes Welker (42)
7. Jonathan Stewart (43)
8. Willie Parker (44)
9. Derrick Ward (45)
10. Tony Romo (46)
11. Antonio Bryant (47)
12. Matt Schaub (48)

Round 5:

1. Donovan McNabb (49)
2. Roy Williams (50)
3. Jason Whitten (51)
4. Aaron Rodgers (52)
5. Braylon Edwards (53)
6. Vincent Jackson (54)
7. Tony Gonzalez (55)
8. Reggie Bush (56)
9. Antonio Gates (57)
10. Larry Johnson (58)
11. Jamal Lewis (59)
12. Knowshon Moreno (60)

Round 6:

1. Jay Cutler (61)
2. Dallas Clark (62)
3. DeSean Jackson (63)
4. Lee Evans (64)
5. Chad Ochocinco (65)
6. Hines Ward (66)
7. Santana Moss (67)
8. LenDale White (68)
9. Bernard Berrian (69)
10. Cedric Benson (70)
11. Ray Rice (71)
12. Owen Daniels (72)

Round 7:

1. Kevin Walter (73)
2. Matt Ryan (74)
3. Santonio Holmes (75)
4. Eddie Royal (76)
5. Chris Cooley (77)
6. Matt Cassel (78)
7. Darren Sproles (79)
8. Carson Palmer (80)
9. Ahmad Bradshaw (81)
10. Jerrico Cotchery (82)
11. Torry Holt (83)
12. Beanie Wells (84)

Round 8:

1. Devin Hester (85)
2. STEELERS DEFENSE (86)
3. Michael Crabtree (87)
4. Anthony Gonzalez (88)
5. Earnest Graham (89)
6. Lance Moore (90)
7. Mark Clayton (91)
8. Laveranues Coles (92)
9. Donald Driver (93)
10. Steve Breaston (94)
11. Felix Jones (95)
12. GIANTS Defense (96)

Round 9:

1. Chester Taylor (97)
2. Greg Olsen (98)
3. TITANS Defense (99)
4. RAVENS Defense (100)
5. Ben Roethlisberger (101)
6. Julius Jones (102)
7. Eli Manning (103)
8. EAGLES Defense (104)
9. Patrick Crayton (105)
10. Donald Brown (106)
11. Willis McGahee (107)
12. Donnie Avery (108)

Round 10:

1. VIKINGS Defense (109)
2. Fred Taylor (110)
3. PATRIOTS Defense (111)
4. BEARS Defense (112)
5. Kellen Winslow (113)
6. JETS Defense (114)
7. REDSKINS Defense (115)
8. COLTS Defense (116)
9. LeSean McCoy (117)
10. Stephen Gostkowski (118)
11. Le’Ron McClain (119)
12. Muhsin Muhammad (120)

Round 11:

1. Justin Gage (121)
2. Ted Ginn Jr. (122)
3. Joe Flacco (123)
4. David Garrard (124)
5. Ryan Longwell (125)
6. Zach Miller (126)
7. David Akers (127)
8. Matt Hasselbeck (128)
9. Nate Kaeding (129)
10. Fred Jackson (130)
11. Neil Rackers (131)
12. Kyle Orton (132)

Round 12:

1. Dustin Keller (133)
2. Chad Pennington (134)
3. John Carlson (135)
4. Jake Delhomme (136)
5. Percy Harvin (137)
6. Dominic Rhodes (138)
7. Trent Edwards (139)
8. Ricky Williams (140)
9. Domenik Hixon (141)
10. Correll Buckhalter (142)
11. Jason Campbell (143)
12. Leon Washington (144)

Round 13:

1. Devery Henderson (145)
2. Jerious Norwood (146)
3. Isaac Bruce (147)
4. Bo Scaife (148)
5. Nate Burleson (149)
6. Bobby Engram (150)
7. Nate Washington (151)
8. Sammy Morris (152)
9. Hakeem Nicks (153)
10. Kevin Curtis (154)
11. Steve Smith (NYG) (155)
12. Rashard Mendenhall (156)

Round 14:

1. Darrius Heyward-Bey(157)
2. Ladell Betts (158)
3. JaMarcus Russell (159)
4. Kevin Boss (160)
5. Joey Galloway (161)
6. Tony Scheffler (162)
7. Chris Chambers (163)
8. Shonn Greene (164)
9. Tim Hightower (165)
10. Antwaan Randle-El (166)
11. DOLPHINS Defense (167)
12. Michael Jenkins (168)

Round 15:

1. John Kasay (169)
2. Jason Elam (170)
3. Jamaal Charles (171)
4. Mason Crosby (172)
5. Jeremy Shockey (173)
6. Nick Folk (174)
7. Bryant Johnson (175)
8. Rob Bironas (176)
9. Mike Walker (177)
10. Kris Brown (178)
11. Chris Henry (179)
12. Robbie Gould (180)