Degenerate Nation

After North Korea pussed out on launching their supposed missiles at the psuedo-state known as Hawaii on the 4th of July, North Korean dictator and world-renowned douche nozzle, Kim Jong-il, has shifted his focus onto more pressing matters:  Getting Laid!

Degenerate Nation has uncovered an exclusive dating profile for ”Dear Leader” Kim Jong-Il, whose relationship with his third mistress, Kim Ok, has apparently grinded to a near-sexless halt, with a dangerously low FOF (Frequency Of Fornifcation), which, let’s face it, defeats the whole purpose of being  dictator in the first place: to parlay power and fear into nonstop poon!

The following dating profile proves that, deep down, despite being one of the leaders of the so-called “Axis of Evil”, Kim Jong-il is just like the rest of us.  Kim Jong-il…  just wants to BONE:

 KIM JONG-IL’S ACTUAL DATING PROFILE:

Screen Name:    “DearLeader69″

Location:   North Korea

Looking For:   Intimate Encounters

About Me:      Hey, ladies!  My name is Kim Jong, but you can call me “KJ”.  I’m a dictator, by trade.  But I like to think of myself as a citizen of the world (provided that world is flat,  governed by fear, and offers no hope of escape to its inhabitants). 

I have a lot of things going for me.  I’m rich, powerful, I get to wear robes all the time, and I could have you killed if you disagree with me.     When I’m not micromanaging every aspect of a totalitatian state, I enjoy watching my army gather in deference to  me,  and perform their totally Asian version of a Nazi goose step.    I also love filling out Sodoku puzzles on the toilet, and plotting against America, as I masturbate in the dark.  Oh, and I’m quite the cinephile.  And pedophile.  

Being the Dear Leader is pretty sweet, I must say.  I can have anything I want.  But what I’m really looking for is intimacy.  Specifically the type of intimacy involving my penis, and your vagina.     

Turn-Ons:       

                          Fear,  Oppression, Chain Restaurants, Being a Dictator, Nuclear Testing, Totalitarianism, rubbing cocoa butter on my genitals, running a military state, snuffing out all traces of independent thought,  cheating at board games, midget porn, rooting for the “bad guys”  in movies, cutting an entire nation of my people off from the outside world, free-balling in my robes,  golden showers,  tramp stamps, murdering puppies, mustache rides, setting Care Bears on fire,  watching Michael Bay-directed action scenes during sex, telling my gay son that I don’t love him

Turn-Offs:        

                           Freedom,  Civil Rights,  Capitalism,  letting the woman be on top,  ice cream sandwiches, unicorns, friendship, the laughter of a child,  Democracy,  foreplay,  baseball,  apple pie,  the 1988 Summer Olympics (fuck you, Seoul!),  cuddling, tacos, individualism, fat chicks, chocolate pudding, condoms, fried chicken, snowball fights, America

Favorite Books:    “Mein Kampf” by Adolph Hitler;  anything by Nicholas Sparks

Favorite Films:      The Zapruder film;  all of Eddie Murphy’s newer stuff.  Especially “The Adventures of Pluto Nash”.  Hilarious!   

Favorite TV shows:   “Baywatch” re-runs (titties!), ”Countdown with Keith Olbermann” 

Favorite Music:    Nickelback, Creed, Limp Bizkit, Smashmouth

 What I look for in a Girl:   Low self esteem, NOT FAT, and a willingness to let my tiny, hateful penis inside of her

Love Style:    You mean how do I like to bone?  Oh, I could talk about this for ages.  Being the dictator of a globally despised nation can be rather stressful.  And what better way to relieve stress than sexual intercourse?!  Seriously, after a hard day of watching military drills, editing propaganda films that make me out to be some Totalitarian Christ figure, and secretly sentencing thousands of my own people to death, I love to come home, grab my woman, and get a nut off.   

I despise foreplay, because it requires giving your partner pleasure, which in its very nature forces you to acknowledge them as a human being, rather than just an orifice to be explored and dominated… which I prefer. 

So when it comes to making love, I like to just skip right to Poundtown.  I have to be on top, so that the woman is beneath me, where she belongs.  If it were possible, I would like to hump her into the Netherworld, so that she literally dematerializes when I am done using her body for my own selfish delight.  Kind of like what happened when Darth Vader killed Obi-Wan Kenobi in “Star Wars, Episode IV: A New Hope”.  Only with sex!

I don’t really enjoy doggy style sex.  It’s not like I don’t enjoy having a view of your ass while I take your to the Bone Zone.  I do.  I mean, who doesn’t like checking out a little booty?!  But, railroading you from the back doesn’t allow me to see your face.  Which therefore doesn’t allow me to picture you as a South Korean woman, crying after I’ve ordered my army to slaughter your family.  Or better yet, a Korean-American woman, with a college degree from a liberal arts school, watching in horror as bombs of fire reign down upon your adopted land of Free Will, Free Porn, and Five Dollar Foot Longs.  The terror and mortality reflected in your eyes would bring me to a most exuberant climax!  So, please, allow me to look at your face.  Preferably with the lights on, so I know you’re not pretending you’re having sex with someone else.  That shit is not cool. 

Oh, and one more thing.  I love it when a woman refers to my penis as “Dear Member”.  Totally turns me on.