Degenerate Nation

Land of Infidelity

In a not-remotely-shocking development, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, who had vanished for 5 days before resurfacing on Monday, admitted to having an extra-marital affair with a woman in Argentina.  Yeah.  No fucking shit, Sherlock.  High profile married men can’t just disappear for five days for no reason.  They are either kidnapped, dead, or riding the Adultery Train to Boner Town. 

Give Sleazeball Sanford credit for one thing.  The man knows how to cheat in style.  Forget hookers, or Craigs List’s “Casual Encounters” page.  Real ballers get themselves kicked out of their house, then fly down to Argentina to bang it out on Father’s Day weekend, with their caliente Argentinian mistress.  BALLIN’!

Fleeing the country for foreign fur, on FATHER’S DAY, is the epitomy of parental excellence.  Way to send a message to your four sons (as if giving them the frat-tastic 80’s movie villain names of Marshall, Landon, BOLTON (seriously, BOLTON?!), and Blake, wasn’t bad enough).  Sorry, boys.  Daddy doesn’t want to go fishing with you.  He’s tired of fucking Mommy, would rather piss his prodigious political career away by pounding some strange poon in another hemisphere, than spend another weekend with you fuckers, and, in fact, regrets your very conceptions.  But thanks for the ice cream cake, boys.  Daddy needed to recharge his battery after draining his loins with a woman who didn’t give birth to you!

I love the bullshit excuse he came up with initially to cover his quest for South American strange.  “Tell ‘em I’m hiking.  Appalachian Trail.  Yeah, that’s the ticket.”  What a load of crap.  The Appalachian Trail just so happens to run through his state, so he wants to make people think he’s hiking.  That his continued absence could be the result of getting eaten by a bear, rather than humping his way to south-of-the-border career suicide.  That’s like Arnold Schwarzenegger stepping out on Maria Shriver, and claiming to be at Sea World, taking a timeout from “ze crippling unemployment in ze state of Californiaaa, and watching ze dolphins splash in ze pool, and ze laughter of ze children, and ze eatings of ze cotton candy, but still I have loves and beliefs in ze state of Californiaaaa, and I’ll be baaaack!” 

Now, thanks to Side-Poon Sanford, hiking, one of Modern Man’s last remaining ties to nature and the fading notion of independence and self-evidence, in a world where he is almost completely reliant on technology… is forever associated with infidelity.  Try going out for a walk in the woods now.  By the time you get back, your golf clubs and dress shirts will be scattered all over your lawn, with your Nissan Ultima keyed to shit (because we now live in a world where Carrie Underwood’s cute, wholesome image completely justifies auto vandalism).  Awesome.

Sanford’s wife, his sons, and mankind in general, weren’t the only parties damaged by the news of this torrid bi-continental fuck-fest.  The Republican party received yet another unwanted tea-bagging as well.  Sanford was thought to be a ‘rising star’ of the party, for his willingness to oppose the Obama administration’s federal stimulii.  Well, now there’s a new package all up in the Republican party’s face:  the absolute death-blow of their supposed moral high ground. 

Seriously, can we please put to bed the notion that a Republican politician thinks with his corrupt penis any less than a Democrat thinks with his?     These guys are all dirty.  Douchebaggery is officially bipartisan.  So the idiot yokels who actually believe in the sanctity of a politician, or the glowing rhetoric of a speech, and experience genuine shock or dismay when Their Guy fails them, should all jump in front of speeding buses, one-by-one.. or, if they have any potential value to humanity, i.e. a jumpshot, or the ability to pop out kids who can build roads and bridges, or fix my computer… they should find something better to believe in.  Something real.  Like being a Dad.   A real Dad.   Not the kind of Dad that writes cheesy love e-mails to his mistress (seriously, Google it.  If his e-romancing skills are any barometer for his sexual prowess, there is no fucking way he could bring a fiery Argentinian woman to the throes of adulterous orgasm).  Not the kind of Dad who runs away to the Extra-Marital Bone Zone, on FATHER’S DAY.  Not the kind of Dad who runs away, period. 

In conclusion, Fuck You, Sanford.