Degenerate Nation

Degenerate Nation strongly encourages you to RUB ZEOLI’s sizable, prognosticative crystal BALLS together for an up-to-date preview of how your NCAA Tournament bracket might look if the season ended today.

But first, you might be be asking:   “Why are you doing this, Zeoli?”

Why?    It’s simple:

1.  I am obsessed with March Madness.

2.  Joe Lunardi (ESPN’s “Bracketologist”) is an inaccurate TOOL.

3.   I don’t have a girlfriend.

4.   RPI rankings are easier to browse through than 4-minute blowjob videos on YouPorn with Windows Vista.   Goodbye naked amateurs, Hello Statistics!

Once again, let’s skip the foreplay and dive right into the all-out, hypothetical Madness!!!!

HYPOTHETICAL MADNESS BRACKET -  VOLUME V

Note:  Automatic Qualifiers are in BLUE.   

#1 Seeds (ranked overall, and divided by region):

• 1.      North Carolina  -  SOUTH  (Memphis) 
• 2.     Pittsburgh  -   EAST  (Boston)  
• 3.      Michigan State   -   MIDWEST   (Indianapolis)
• 4.     Louisville  -  WEST  (Arizona)

Final 4 Pairings:     SOUTH  vs.  WEST;   EAST  vs.  MIDWEST

“Living on a Prayer”: Last Teams In

• Arizona [10]
• New Mexico [11]
• Michigan [11]
• South Carolina [11]
• Florida [11]

Bubble Burst:     First Teams Out

• Saint Mary’s [12]
• San Diego State (21-8)
• Providence [18-12]
• Northwestern (17-12)
• Miami FL (18-11)

Woulda-Should-Coulda:    Next Teams Out

• UNLV (21-9)
• Auburn (21-10)
• Rhode Island (22-9)
• Creighton (26-7)
• Maryland (18-11)

Multi-Bid Conference Breakdown:

• Big 10:        8 -    (Michigan State [1], Illinois [5], Purdue [6], Wisconsin [9], Ohio State [9], Penn State [10], Minnesota [10], Michigan [11])
• Big East:    7 -    (Pittsburgh [1], Louisville [1], Connecticut [2], Villanova [3], Syracuse [5], West Virginia [6], Marquette [7],)
• ACC:           6 -    (North Carolina [1], Duke [2], Wake Forest [3], Florida State [4], Clemson [5], Boston College [10])
• Big 12:       6 -   (Oklahoma [2], Kansas [3], Missouri [4], Texas [7], Texas A&M [8], Oklahoma State [9])
• Pac-10:      5 -   (Washington [3], UCLA [4], Arizona State [6], California [8], Arizona [10])
• SEC:            4 -   (LSU [5], Tennessee [8], Florida [11], South Carolina [11])
• Mountain West:     3 - (Utah [7], BYU [7], New Mexico [11])
• Atlantic 10:            2 - (Xavier [4], Dayton [10])
• Horizon:    2 -  (Butler [8], Cleveland State [13]

Dance Tickets Punched:   Conference Tournament Winners

• Cornell [15]  -  IVY  (No tournament)
• East Tennessee State [16]  -  ATLANTIC SUN
• Morehead State [16]  -  OHIO VALLEY
• Radford [15]  -  BIG SOUTH
• Northern Iowa [13]  -  MISSOURI VALLEY
• Chattanooga [16]  -  SOUTHERN
• VCU [12]  -  CAA
• Siena [12]  -  MAAC
• Gonzaga [5]  -  WCC
• North Dakota State [13] -  SUMMIT
• Cleveland State [13] -  HORIZON
• Western Kentucky [12] - SUN BELT 

Analysis: 

Michigan (as much as I hate to say it), Florida (ditto), and South Carolina are IN this week, replacing Rhode Island, Creighton, and UNLV. 

Cleveland State bounces Saint Mary’s off the bubble temporarily.  This places either Florida or South Carolina in serious jeaopardy of falling off next. 

Providence is in a tough position.  Depaul just knocked off Cincinnati, rendering a probable Providence victory in the Quarterfinals (now over Depaul, not a decent Cincinnati team), pretty much meaningless.  They need to upset Louisville (instant lock status), or play them close enough to warrant consideration with their win over Pitt and gaudy (though fluff-filled) 10-8 conference record.  In which case, they’ll be getting out their Bubble Team Voodoo dolls for their equally-impotent competitors.    

Unfortunately for Creighton, the mid-majors as a collective unit have lacked marquee wins this year, and the committee doesn’t look kindly on teams who get blown out in their conference tournaments.  Well, unless they have Patty Mills.   You posterize Team USA, you get the benefit of the doubt.  But Patty’s Gaels need to root hard against fellow buble teams, and hope Butler and Memphis don’t slip up in their conference tourneys, which would take away extra at-large bids.   

Davidson, way to be.  Total choke job against Charleston in the SoCon semifinals ensured a lesser team will water down the overall field.  Also proved that with a weapon like Curry, you need a competent point guard to GET HIM THE DAMN BALL.  They missed Richards badly this year.   Oh well.   Out with the old, in with the new.  

That’s all for Volume V.    Check back Wednesday for Volume VI.  And comment your brains out on why your favorite crappy team got the shaft. 

Attention Auburn fans:  it doesn’t count as a shaft if you don’t schedule anybody tough in nonconference, and play in an unbelievably down SEC.  Tough shit, Tigers.  You want in?  Get to the championship game of the SEC Tournament, or pick up Charles Barkley, fresh out of the drunk tank, and see if you can bribe the NCAA into giving him another month of eligibility.   

COUNTDOWN TO MARCH MADNESS:    8 days!!!