Premature Madness - 2009, Vol. IV

Degenerate Nation strongly encourages you to RUB ZEOLI’s sizable, prognosticative crystal BALLS together for an up-to-date preview of how your NCAA Tournament bracket might look if the season ended today.

But first, you might be be asking: “Why are you doing this, Zeoli?”

Why? It’s simple:

1. I am obsessed with March Madness.

2. Joe Lunardi (ESPN’s “Bracketologist”) is an inaccurate TOOL.

3. I don’t have a girlfriend.

4. RPI rankings are easier to browse through than 4-minute blowjob videos on YouPorn with Windows Vista. Goodbye naked amateurs, Hello Statistics!

Once again, let’s skip the foreplay and dive right into the all-out, hypothetical Madness!!!!

HYPOTHETICAL MADNESS BRACKET - VOLUME IV

EAST (Boston)	SOUTH (Memphis)

Pod: Philadelphia	Pod: Greensboro
1 - Connecticut (27-2)	1 - North Carolina (26-3)
16 - Alabama State (18-9) / Jacksonville (17-12)	16 - Radford (20-11)
8 - Minnesota (21-8)	8 - Tennessee (19-10)
9 - Texas A&M (22-8)	9 - Oklahoma State (20-9)
Pod: Miami	Pod: Minneapolis
5 - Florida State (22-8)	5 - Illinois (23-8)
12 - Rhode Island (22-8)	12 - Providence (18-12)
4 - LSU (25-5)	4 - Xavier (24-5)
13 - Western Kentucky (21-8)	13 - Miami Ohio (17-11)
Pod: Kansas City	Pod: Boise
6 - Purdue (22-8)	6 - Texas (20-9)
11 - UNLV (20-8)	11 - New Mexico (20-10)
3 - Missouri (25-5)	3 - Wake Forest (23-5)
14 - Vermont (23-7)	14 - American (21-7)
Pod: Greensboro	Pod: Dayton
7 - Syracuse (22-8)	7 - Butler (25-4)
10 - Creighton (25-6)	10 - Wisconsin (18-11)
2 - Duke (25-5)	2 - Louisville (24-5)
15 - Cornell (19-9)	15 - Morgan State (20-11)

WEST (Arizona)	MIDWEST (Indianapolis)

Pod: Dayton	Pod: Philadelphia
1 - Michigan State (24-5)	1 - Pittsburgh (27-3)
16 - Cal State Northridge (15-12)	16 - Tennessee-Martin(22-8)
8 - California (22-8)	8 - BYU (23-6)
9 - Boston College (20-10)	9 - Penn State (21-9)
Pod: Boise	Pod: Portland
5 - Gonzaga (24-5)	5 - Clemson (23-6)
12 - Utah State (26-4)	12 - Davidson (25-6)
4 - Villanova (25-6)	4 - UCLA (23-7)
13 - VCU (21-9)	13 - Siena (23-7)
Pod: Portland	Pod: Minneapolis
6 - West Virginia (21-9)	6 - Marquette (23-7)
11 - Saint Mary’s (24-5)	11 - Dayton (24-6)
3 - Washington (23-7)	3 - Kansas (24-6)
14 - Weber State (21-8)	14 - North Dakota State (23-6)
Pod: Kansas City	Pod: Miami
7 - Utah (20-9)	7 - Arizona State (21-8)
10 - Maryland (18-11)	10 - Ohio State (19-9)
2 - Oklahoma (26-4)	2 - Memphis (27-3)
15 - Robert Morris (21-10)	15 - Stephen F. Austin (20-7)

#1 Seeds (ranked overall, and divided by region):

1. Connecticut - EAST (Boston)
2. North Carolina - SOUTH (Memphis)
3. Pittsburgh - MIDWEST (Indianapolis)
4. Michigan State - WEST (Arizona)

Final 4 Pairings: EAST vs. WEST; SOUTH vs. MIDWEST

“Living on a Prayer”: Last Teams In

UNLV [11]
Maryland [10]
New Mexico [11]
Rhode Island [12]
Providence [12]

Bubble Burst: First Teams Out

Arizona [18-12]
South Carolina [20-8]
Michigan (18-12)
Florida (21-9)
San Diego State (19-8)

Woulda-Should-Coulda: Next Teams Out

Virginia Tech (17-12)
Northwestern (17-11)
Kentucky (19-11)
Cincinnati (18-12)
Kansas State (20-10)

Multi-Bid Conference Breakdown:

Big East: 8 - (Connecticut [1], Pittsburgh [1], Louisville [2], Villanova [3], Marquette [6], West Virginia [6], Syracuse [7], Providence [12])
Big 10: 7 - (Michigan State [1], Illinois [5], Purdue [6], Minnesota [8], Penn State [9], Wisconsin [10], Ohio State [10])
ACC: 6 - (North Carolina [1], Duke [2], Wake Forest [3], Clemson [5], Florida State [5], Boston College [9])
Big 12: 6 - (Oklahoma [2], Kansas [3], Missouri [3], Texas [6], Oklahoma State [9], Texas A&M [9])
Pac-10: 4 - (Washington [3], UCLA [4], Arizona State [7], California [8])
Mountain West: 4 - (Utah [7], BYU [8], UNLV [12], New Mexico [12])
Atlantic 10: 3 - (Xavier [4], Dayton [11], Rhode Island [12])
SEC: 2 - (LSU [4], Tennessee [8])
WCC: 2 - (Gonzaga [6], Saint Mary’s [11])

A special “Peace Out” to Arizona and Kentucky, the Chrysler and General Motors of NCAA Basketball. Once great. Now irrelevant, in desperate need of tournament bailouts. Their mighty tournament appearance streaks are in extreme jeopardy. Both Wildcat squads will need at least 2 more wins to justify a berth.

Hence, Arizona is replaced by the red hot Rams of Rhode Island, winners of 6 straight and 2nd place in a suddenly improving Atlantic 10.

Meanwhile, the Terps jump back in by default, by sheer virtue of their bookend wins over potential #1-seeds Michigan State and North Carolina. Not by virtue of them being an actual good team with any semblance of a future. They can thank South Carolina for crapping the bed against Tennessee last night and vacating a spot.

That’s all for Volume III. Check back Thursday night for Volume IV. And comment your brains out on why your favorite crappy team got the shaft. Maryland fans, now’s your time to shine. A win against the hapless Virginia Cavaliers this weekend, and you’re knocking on the door again. But it doesn’t matter. Because nobody actually “Fears the Turtle”. More like pities.