Zeoli’s Balls (of Crystal) Present: Premature Madness! - 2009, Vol. I

Degenerate Nation strongly encourages you to RUB ZEOLI’s sizable crystal BALLS together for an up-to-date preview of how your NCAA Tournament bracket might look if the season ended today.

But first, you might be be asking: “Why are you doing this, Zeoli?”

Why? It’s simple:

1. I am obsessed with March Madness.

2. Joe Lunardi (ESPN’s “Bracketologist”) is an inaccurate TOOL.

3. I don’t have a girlfriend.

4. RPI rankings are easier to browse through than 4-minute blowjob videos on YouPorn with Windows Vista. Goodbye naked amateurs, Hello Statistics!

Now, since this is Attempt #2 at launching this article, let’s skip the usual foreplay and dive right into the all-out, hypothetical Madness!!!!

HYPOTHETICAL MADNESS BRACKET - VOLUME I

EAST		SOUTH
(Boston)		(Memphis)
Pod: Philadelphia		Pod: Greensboro
1 - Connecticut		North Carolina - 1
16 - Alabama St./Tenn.-Martin (Play-In Winner)		Radford - 16
8 - Wisconsin		South Carolina - 8
9 - Tennessee		Ohio State - 9
Pod: Minneapolis		Pod: Miami
5 - Purdue		Marquette - 5
12 - Oklahoma State		Davidson - 12
4 - Clemson		LSU - 4
13 - Western Kentucky		VCU - 13
Pod: Minneapolis		Pod: Kansas City
6 - UCLA		Florida State - 6
11 - Cincinnati		Michigan - 11
3 - Kansas		Missouri - 3
14 - North Dakota State		Belmont - 14
Pod: Greensboro		Pod: Dayton
7 - West Virginia		Texas - 7
10 - Saint Mary’s		Creighton - 10
2 - Duke		Louisville - 2
15 - Cornell		Binghamton -15

WEST		MIDWEST
(Arizona)		(Indianapolis)
Pod: Kansas City		Pod: Philadelphia
1 - Oklahoma		Pittsburgh - 1
16 - Long Beach State		Robert Morris - 16
8 - California		Florida - 8
9 - BYU		Minnesota - 9
Pod: Boise		Pod: Boise
5 - Illinois		Utah - 5
12 - UNLV		Oklahoma State - 12
4 - Wake Forest		Arizona State - 4
13 - Siena		American - 13
Pod: Portland		Pod: Portland
6 - Gonzaga		Xavier - 6
11 - Utah State		Penn State - 11
3 - Washington		Villanova - 3
14 - Weber State		Buffalo - 14
Pod: Dayton		Pod: Miami
7 - Syracuse		Butler - 7
10 - Boston College		Arizona - 10
2 - Michigan State		Memphis - 2
15 - Morgan State		Stephen F. Austin - 15

#1 Seeds (ranked overall, and divided by region):

1. Connecticut - EAST (Boston)
2. North Carolina - SOUTH (Memphis)
3. Pittsburgh - MIDWEST (Indianapolis)
4. Oklahoma - WEST (Arizona)

Final 4 Pairings: EAST vs. WEST; SOUTH vs. MIDWEST

“Living on a Prayer”: Last Teams In

Michigan [11]
Cincinnati [11]
Penn State [11]
UNLV [12]
Oklahoma State [12]

Bubble Burst: First Teams Out

Texas A&M
Kentucky
Providence
Miami FL
Virginia Tech

Woulda-Should-Coulda: Next Teams Out

Maryland
Rhode Island
UAB
Notre Dame
Kansas State

Multi-Bid Conference Breakdown:

Big East: 8 - (Connecticut [1], Pittsburgh [1], Louisville [2], Villanova [3], Marquette [5], West Virginia [7], Syracuse [7], Cincinnati [11])
Big 10: 8 - (Michigan State [2], Illinois [5], Purdue [5], Wisconsin [8], Ohio State [9], Minnesota [9], Michigan [11], Penn State [11])
ACC: 6 - (North Carolina [1], Duke [2], Wake Forest [4], Clemson [5], Florida State [6], Boston College [10])
Big 12: 5 - (Oklahoma [1], Kansas [3], Missouri [3], Texas [7], Oklahoma State [12])
Pac-10: 5 - (Washington [3], Arizona State [4], UCLA [6], California [8], Arizona [10])
SEC: 4 - (LSU [4], South Carolina [8], Florida [8], Tennessee [9])
Mountain West: 3 - (Utah [5], BYU [9], UNLV [12])
Atlantic 10: 2 - (Xavier [6], Dayton [12])
WCC: 2 - (Gonzaga [6], Saint Mary’s [10])