GO FOR THE GOLD!!!

Degenerate Nation proudly presents a new series,

“Degenerate Face-Off” - where two degenerates

debate the critical issues facing our festering sore of a Society

Scumbags and Scum-ettes, please welcome today’s debaters:

THOMAS T. MENSTURAL -   47, seething American, hardworking (when he’s not playing Bejeweled or watching “According to Jim” on Hulu) father of two extremely white, poorly adjusted children.

PRESTON BLAZE - 24, proud frat brother and 6th-year undergraduate college student, majoring in buiness administration and minoring in attempted date rape.   Preston is currently doing his independent externship in “pharmacuetical distribution”.  His favorite movies are “Half Baked”, “The Pineapple Express”, and all three “Transporter” movies.

TODAY’S FACE-OFF ISSUE: “MICHEL PHELPS….  AMERICAN HERO, OR COMPLETE DOUCHE?

READY, SET, GO!!!

THOMAS T. MENSTRUAL:    I am morally outraged.  Outraged!

PRESTON BLAZE:   Dude, from a picture?

THOMAS T. MENSTRUAL:   Yes, a picture of a once-great icon disgracing the very nation he has dedicated his life to.  The greatest nation in the world.  Nay, in all worlds.  The United State of America!

PRESTON BLAZE:   Dude, dedicate his life?  What are you talking about?  He’s a dude in a wet man-thong, splashing around with other dudes in wet man-thongs?   He’s not a fucking soldier.   Which is cool, because I’m like… totally against the war.

THOMAS T. MENSTRUAL:   What war?

PRESTON BLAZE:   Like.. any war.   War kills, bro.  And that ain’t kosher.   Do you listen to Jack Johnson?

Thomas T. Mesntrual groans.

PRESTON BLAZE:   So seriously bro, what’s your  problem with Phelps toking up at a party?   It’s just weed, dude.

THOMAS T. MESNTRUAL:  My problem with it?  Everything.    I am disgusted.  This young man is pissing on his legacy.  He is pissing on AMERICA!  He owes his teammates, God, NBC, honest, hard-working American tax-payers like myself, and the various corporations whose contracts with him stipulate that he, like his predecessor Jesus H. Christ, must not only swim through water at an unfathomable rate, but also WALK on it, at all times,  an immediate apology.

PRESTON BLAZE:  Dude, he already did that.

THOMAS T. MENSTRUAL:   No, I mean a real apology.  Like on Oprah, so my wife Joan can watch it and be comforted once more.   His brief statement of contrition wasn’t  enough.  “It won’t happen again”?  What does that even mean?   Does he mean that he won’t smoke again, or just that he won’t get caught smoking in a picture again?  I’m confused.  I don’t like being confused.  It makes me contemplate turning away from Jesus.

PRESTON BLAZE:  Dude, you got issues.  Have you ever even smoked weed before?

THOMAS T. MENSTRUAL:  No.  Never.  Absolutely not.

PRESTON BLAZE:  Gay.

Preston Blaze adjusts his backwards visor.

PRESTON BLAZE:   Look bro, you don’t know what you’re missing.  Weed is the shit.  It makes everything better.  It makes sex better.  Going to class or whatever.  Watching Adult Swim.  Voting.  Driving a car.  Everything, bro.

THOMAS T. MENSTRUAL:  You are exactly what is wrong with this country.  Do you realize that?   An entire generation of ambition-less, multi-cultured swine who would rather smoke marijuana, text message to “hook up” without the prior commitment of marriage, and date outside their race, than go out and earn an honest living.  You detest me.  You make me sick.  And up until now, I thought that Michael Phelps was better than all that.  And sure as shit, better than you… Preston.

PRESTON BLAZE:  Call me P-Blaze, bro.

THOMAS T. MENSTRUAL:   What?

PRESTON BLAZE:   Dude, you obviously don’t know shit about celebrities.  And that’s what Phelps is, dawg.  A celebrity.  You know what I would do if I was Michael Phelps?  Fuck mad bitches.   And never call them.  I’d fuck them in the pool, out of the pool, everywhere, bro.  Because I’m Michael fucking Phelps, so suck my cock, you know?   I’d make guys blow me, too, just to hang out with me.  Not because I wanted to, bro, cuz that’s gay.  But just because I can.  Because I’m Michael fucking Phelps.  Suck me, give me some weed, and let me finger blast your sister.  You know?

THOMAS T. MENSTRUAL:   What?!  No.  I don’t know.  Is this… is this what you kids think about?   Using the vast potential your status as a public figure brings you to…

PRESTON BLAZE:  To fucking enjoy it?  Hell yeah, bro.  Live it up.  If you won 8 gold medals in one week, there should be no consequences.  Like Ted Kennedy.   Total Immunity, bro.  I’d probably commit at least one murder.  Maybe a homeless guy.  You know, try it on.  See how it feels.   No consequences, bro.

THOMAS T. MENSTRUAL:   See, this is exactly what I’m talking about.  How can we become the great nation that our Heavenly Father, Walt Disney, and a secretive brain trust of multinational coroporations designed us to be, if we allow our so-called role models, our supposed heroes, to be photographed using DRUGS?

PRESTON BLAZE:   Dude, weed is not drugs.  Weed is weed.  This shit will blow over in no time.  Why?  Becuase it’ jsut weed, dude.  I mean, the dude got busted for a DUI before.  But does anyone remember that?  No.  Why?  EIGHT GOLD MEDALS.  Ball game.  Bling don’t lie.

THOMAS T. MESNTRUAL:  So let me get this straight, you believe in a world where certain achievements render people infallible for their extremely public sins?

PRESTON BLAZE:  Fuck yeah, dude.  Do you have any idea how much trim that guy must be pulling?   I mean, can you even imagine that?  Like, this is not a hot dude we’re talking about here.  Dude’s fugly.  Like… Fetal Alcohol Syndrome fugly.  But it don’t mean shit, because he’s famous.  And that’s awesome.  I mean, if I had known growing up that you could get that much ass from splashing around a fucking pool all day, I’d be all over that shit.  Like Kevin Costner in ”Waterworld”.  I’d grow fucking gills on my back, and be rollin’ in nonstop pussy.  Pass the bong, Phelps.  Homey, I’m witcha.

THOMAS T. MENSTRUAL:     So you think that this kind of deplorable behavior is completely excusable?

PRESTON BLAZE:  Totally, bro.  Dude’s an American Hero.

THOMAS T. MENSTRUAL:  Unbelievable.  He  is a drug user.  A degenerate, fornicating drug user!  This young man is clearly using substances that could affect his performance in the pool.   Who knows that might develop from this.  Loss of endorsement deals?  Sanctions?  A stripping of his medals?

PRESTON BLAZE:   Dude, you are such a Nelson.  Performance in the pool?  You fucking kidding me?  You know what weed does to you?  It doesn’t make you swim like a fucking turbo dolphin, like Phelps.  It makes you want to sit on your ass, eat a whole box of pop tarts, and get a beejer from a fat Chi Delta chick while watching cartoons.  If anything, weed is a performance destroying drug.  And that’s why I love it.  Cuz fuck it, you know?  Let’s get high.

THOMAS T. MESNTRUAL:   But what about his future?  He has another Olympics to prepare for, but what happens after that?  When there are no more medals to win, and he has to deal with life as a professional swimmer, shackled with the oppressive weight of a debilitating drug addiction?

PRESTON BLAZE:    Yeah, Tom.  This will really hurt his professional swimming career.  Oh, that’s right.  Professional swimming doesn’t fucking exist.  Douche.

THOMAS T. MENSTURAL:  Well…. what about all those kids who look up to him?  WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?!!!

PRESTON BLAZE:   FUCK THE CHILDREN.  Let the man get high.  P-Blaze… OUT!