She Loves Me Not: Divorced Dan’s Valentine’s Day Diary

Hi. I’m Dan . I’m divorced. This is how I spent my Valentine’s Day. Pray for me… I arise at 1:37 PM, and eat a vigorous breakfast of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, with Sailor Jerry’s rum, in lieu of milk. I also enjoy Cap’n Crunch Berries with vodka. Sometimes if I let the soggy, vodka-laced “berries” […]

High on Candy, Down on Love: Johnny Sweatpants’ Hallucinatory Valentine’s Day Binge

High on Candy, Down on Love:  Johnny Sweatpants’ Hallucinatory Valentine’s Day Binge

I’m sitting here alone on Valentines Day while my so-called friends go on dates. Some with their putrid excuses for girlfriends. Not even thirty and already sagging from the bones like wet clothes on rusty hangers. The others, out with the promiscuous goblins found in the dark, desperate corners of Plenty of Fish and Zoosk. […]

Johnny Sweatpants’ first journey through the Gastro Netherworld: Food Porn

Our designated “food” critic Johnny Sweatpants submitted his first fast food nightmare for your guilty pleasure: I am about to embark on a delectable dining experience of Viking proportions. In front of me, standing proud, is a week-old bucket of KFC fried chicken, extra crispy. Accompanying it on either side are twin bowls of KFC […]

Letter of Recommendation…

Posted by on Jan 24, 2013 in Uncategorized | No Comments

I was told that I should write my own letter of recommendation and my former boss would simply put his signature on it. I may have taken a few liberties with the truth:   To whom it may concern: Mr. [redacted] was the single greatest employee I’ve ever had, or will ever have. So much […]

Degenerate New Year’s Resolutions

Posted by on Jan 7, 2013 in Uncategorized | No Comments

New Years Resolutions are bullshit.  Nobody actually wants to change.  We merely want other people to change the way they treat us, and more importantly, to increase the rate at which they give us free shit, particularly sexual intercourse.  If you actively want to exact positive change in your life for altruistic reasons, stop reading this.  NOW.  Go […]

Degenerate of the Week [Jan 4, 2013]: Girl Who Drugged Her Parents To Use the Internet

Posted by on Jan 4, 2013 in Degenerate of the Week | No Comments

Man, parents just don’t understand. And that’s why, sometimes, you know, you just have to drug them so you can use the internet.  B’YAH!!! Two teenage girls in Placer County, California, subverted the very concept of teenage rebellion by allegedly drugging one of the girl’s parents’ milkshakes with sleeping pills, just to stay in and dick […]

Degenerate of the Week (Dec. 14, 2012): Benjamin Greene, Sex Doll Shoplifter

Posted by on Dec 14, 2012 in Degenerate of the Week | No Comments
Degenerate of the Week (Dec. 14, 2012):  Benjamin Greene, Sex Doll Shoplifter

Benjamin Greene, 22, suffers from a common hetero male affliction.  He wants to bang Miley Cyrus, and achieve true cocksman immortality.  But unlike the floundering majority of his peers, Benjamin Greene actually lived his wet dream.  Well, almost. Benjamin allegedly tried to smuggle a “Finally Mylie” inflatable sex doll out of a Spencer’s Gifts store in Spartanburg, […]

Degenerate of the Week [Nov. 9, 2012]: Rogue Tranny Terrorizes Walmart with Breast Implants

Posted by on Nov 10, 2012 in Degenerate of the Week | No Comments
Degenerate of the Week [Nov. 9, 2012]:  Rogue Tranny Terrorizes Walmart with Breast Implants

  Who’s the best whore in town?  Jeremy Fucking Owens, that’s who.  And don’t you god damn forget it. Transsexual maniac Jeremy Owens, 23, cemented his unchallenged whoredom in a titillating display before his Lackawanna County, Pennsylvania peers when he allegedly popped his breast implants out in a crowded Walmart and boldly proclaimed “I’m the best whore in […]

Degenerate of the Week (Oct. 2 – Oct. 8): Cardale Jones Ain’t Come To Play School!

Posted by on Oct 11, 2012 in Degenerate of the Week | No Comments

“I AIN’T COME TO PLAY SCHOOL!” – Cardale Jones – scrub quarterback, THE Ohio State University.   – [@Cordale10 ] Cardale Jones is more than an athlete, more than an exquisite, pampered meathead.  He is more than a dazzling physical specimen with NFL dreams… and an Arby’s night shift future.  Cardale Jones is a hero. […]

Death of a Nation

Posted by on Sep 26, 2012 in Uncategorized | No Comments
Death of a Nation

Media-produced zombies are devouring the feeble, flickering brains of our people. And with every putrid pile of head meat they gobble up, our nascent societal overlords suck all remaining hope and promise from the collective minds of the young and impressionable. The Machine is perpetually cranked up to 11, feeding on idiocy and pumping out […]